Today I want to talk about something that most of us try to avoid especially at this time of year. Difficult conversations.
For a long time I was terrible at them. Truly terrible. But over time and with a lot of practice I have learnt a few things that make these conversations feel lighter, calmer and much more productive.
I wanted to share the three things I do when I know a challenging conversation is coming and the mindset that helps me get through it.
Stay Positive From The Start
Before I go into any difficult conversation I take a couple of deep breaths and shift myself into a positive state.
If I am calling someone who might be frustrated or defensive I always begin with genuine warmth.
How are you today It is such a beautiful day I am feeling really grateful.
That small moment of positivity can change the entire tone. It sets us both up for a better conversation before we move into the tricky part.
Let Them Talk First
One of the most important things you can do is let the other person speak first.
I might say something like
Hey John I heard something has not quite gone right for you. Can you tell me about that
Then I simply listen. Really listen.
Let them feel heard. Let them share their story and their feelings without interruption.
Once they finish I summarise what I heard.
So what I am hearing is that this happened and this is how it made you feel. Have I got that right
This helps them feel understood and it ensures we are truly talking about the same issue.
Be Honest And Provide Clear Solutions
This is the part that matters most.
Once they have shared their perspective I am as honest and transparent as possible.
Often the issues I am resolving come down to perception or expectation. So I clearly explain what happened what we have already done and what we will be doing next.
When you can say
Here is what we have done
Here is what we are doing heading forward
Here is when I will follow up with you
It is very hard for someone to stay upset especially when you have approached the whole conversation with calm positivity.
These Principles Work Everywhere
While I have these conversations mostly at work the same principles apply with colleagues partners and friends.
Stay positive.
Let them be heard.
Be honest about what is going on and what the solutions are.
It has taken me ten or fifteen years to get better at this but these simple shifts have made such a difference in my relationships and in my confidence.
So this week if a difficult conversation is on the horizon walk into it with positivity make space for the other person and be honest about what needs to happen next.